I can hear her, behind my back. It isn’t the first time. She always does this, the night of the Ceremony. She’s trying not to make a noise. She’s trying to preserve her dignity, in front of us. The upholstery and the rugs muffle her but we can hear her clearly despite that. The tension between her lack of control and her attempt to suppress it is horrible. It’s like a fart in church. I feel, as always, the urge to laugh, but not because I think it’s funny. The smell of her crying spreads over us and we pretend to ignore it.
The Commander opens his eyes, notices, frowns, ceases to notice. “Now we will have a moment of silent prayer,” says the Commander. “We will ask for a blessing, and for success in all our ventures.”
I bow my head and close my eyes. I listen to the held breath, the almost inaudible gasps, the shaking going on behind my back. How she must hate me, I think.
I pray silently: Nolite te bastardes carborundorum. I don’t know what it means, but it sounds right, and it will have to do, because I don’t know what else I can say to God. Not right now. Not, as they used to say, at this juncture. The scratched writing on my cupboard wall floats before me, left by an unknown woman, with the face of Moira. I saw her go out, to the ambulance, on a stretcher, carried by two Angels.
What is it? I mouthed to the woman beside me; safe enough, a question like that, to all but a fanatic.
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